Jurnal

Documented

2012-02-11T04:45:00.002+08:00

Spent quality time with the lover today. We had chicken and chips for dinner and watched movie (thank god for non-depressing ones this time). Speaking of which I am indeed famished right now. Blame it on the time. Need to start on my work ass-ignments soon. Woke up at 2 in the afternoon, skipped animation make-up class and went to work earlier today. Not so tired right now actually, but still pretty mind-blowed by my 2.4km run tonight.

So I figured

2012-02-09T13:49:00.002+08:00

Having quite a hard time writing a synopsis for animation class right now. Pretty much stuck on a blank page for the past hour. Figured that I should be writing in here. Skipping tutorials today because I think I deserve to rest after going to classes with flu and sore throats and all for the past few days. Skipped a total of 2 classes including today is not too bad I guess. Although I'll be betting that one day I would be begging to go for classes rather than work (I presume). Who knows what the future holds. Lots of projects due-ing next week plus quiz I'll hopefully study soon.

Promised to document my life as often as I can but it's just this negligent-ness that you should be putting the blame on. Started on my two part time jobs last week so that spells no sleeping ins on Mondays anymore. At least till the end of February. Afternoons thereafter will be spent at the nurseries including 45 minutes of time tomorrows. Never really been a fan of cutesy daisies (don't get me wrong, I adore babies but not in a teach-y teach kind of way. More like big-sister mother love?) but hey, it's not that bad afterall. (At least for now)

So the lover and I are going to be super busy for the next upcoming weeks because something big is coming our way. Very excited indeed, we are. For now, I'll make more promises to document my 23 year old life as much as I can.

2012-01-24T04:33:00.002+08:00

2 years ago, I attended a creative writing class in school and we were asked to write a paragraph using only 1 syllable. The title is My dream boyfriend/girlfriend. This was what I wrote:

He, should not call me his Boo. I just hate it if he does that. Use it to call your cat or dog. It would sound great that way. He should call me names that are fun and cute, like blyth or cake. All I know is that he is hard to find. You could tell him that he is your world one day, but he will be hard to find. I will not see his looks, the only thing that is pure will be his heart.

And in 2012, my dream came true.

The Temple Dogs

2012-01-15T23:36:00.002+08:00

Redbull does gives you wings. Head a little bit giddy now and hands? Let's not talk about that. Clad in forever black, rushed down to the east to attend a wedding with my family. Fetched Mr Ink at his place thereafter and headed downtown for an early dinner.

School has started once again, 1 more semester to go and then I am left with 2 more years before I graduate from the University. Managed to get some jobs too, hopefully I can cope with 2 companies aside from my 3 day work week schedule. Took a film module and can't wait to re-watch Francois Truffaut's works - What a boring entry. I hate writing dear diary shits like this.

Anyway, I turned 23 a few days ago. But that's not the point. The point is, 23 is the beginning of a narrative. A story that was on hold for 8 years. It is true, patience is virtue. I hope 2012 is going to be exciting. I will be working on more personal works and collaborations. Try doing something you love with the one you love. I'll be your guarantor.

Lana and I decided that 2012 is going to be sick as cancer

2012-01-06T04:25:00.003+08:00

I planned on writing, but soon enough figured out that it is not really a requisite at this time of the night. Perhaps the hard drive in my mind was immensely (to a great extent) filled with nothing but you. Goodnight and sleep well, my fresh-to-death-shaven noncommissioned officer.

Little feet

2012-01-04T06:22:00.004+08:00

My best friend, Diyanah gave birth to her beautiful prince, Dayyan Zeeshan Ng this morning. Took these shots last week to document her delightful journey. We used to talk at the back of the class in school, talking about the mystery and suspense of sex, relationships, child-birth. We grew up together since we were 7 and practically went through everything together. Listening to Dayyan's heartbeat when he was only 3 months old to being able to photograph her moments, are truly wondrous.

Remember december forever hereafter

2011-12-27T04:24:00.002+08:00

Geography and timing

2011-12-22T05:28:00.024+08:00

NTU, Year 2, Semester I

Graphic Design History B+

Asian Art History C+

Contemporary Issues in Photography A

Projection as Art A

Typography I A

Introduction to Theories of C02-I10 A+

You are to remain in 2nd Year in Semester 2, Academic Year 2011-2012.

(Meanwhile, back in Zion)

To the President of Meant-to-be School of the Fate,

We missed 7 years of learning. It's time for us to fill the gaps. Thank you for accepting us back in to be among your selected, gifted and renowned paramours. We are truly honored and couldn't ask for more. You know what's the best part? We will never graduate.

Sincerely,

The TTC

Point of view

2011-12-19T21:40:00.000+08:00

"Both dreams and the ritual arts manifest and meditate transpersonal energies. Both are forms of enactment, expressing the depths of existence and the energies flowing from the source through life…. To use processes suggested by one to illuminate the other may permit us to relate to the dream in terms that do not lurch it from its matrix, yet facilitate and develop participant witnessing in the dreamer."
- Sylvia Brinton Perera, Dream Design

(0210)

2011-12-18T00:13:00.005+08:00

Too good for words.

Breakfast sounds nice

2011-12-07T01:46:00.002+08:00

Here, I sit alone. Things have changed. A lot have changed. You are not a dream anymore, you are now physical and in existence. Seven years I imagined that you are mine and now, you literally are. Stay with me and don't change. I'll read to you every night if you want to. I'll bake you your favorite pastry if you want me to, sleep in your arms even when you snore, wipe your tears when you cry. Just promise me that you won't change. Tomorrow, we'll go glide in the air like in my dreams while we toast to the crystal goblet and whisper damp speeches into each other's ears.

I'll read this to you

2011-11-04T01:43:00.002+08:00

Hello human condition, you really brought me to a depth where it is so deep, it hurts like mad. You made me curl, jump, scream, cry, cackle all at the same time. At the same time. I guess it's not funny anymore. This scene, these unbearable insanely zany mad scene is taking too much toll. What you are trying to prove is undeniably confusing and perplexing. You are a psycho. You just simply create these manifestos of unbearable emotions running in and out of my veins like water. I depended on film stills to hang on to dear life. That already is so unquestionably beyond pathetic. I create emotions out of scripts, laying them out one by one on bloody strips in my brain and then recreate them into a whole new different twist for my mind to feed on. This sanity of mine, is malnourished. It can never be filled with enough reminiscences. It is just this greedy and underfed little monster.

Fly away another day

2011-11-01T01:45:00.002+08:00

If I could describe my life right now, I would say that I am taking each day like a film script. I'll be back. I hope.

Dear you

2011-09-29T15:14:00.001+08:00

I will talk soon. University life is starting to get a bit sickening. Meanwhile, you keep me alive.

Giving up

2011-09-12T20:38:00.000+08:00

Right now, I am the saddest person in the world.

Crying out loud

2011-09-11T20:21:00.002+08:00

Don't know what is wrong with me. I can't seem to do anything at all. Can't afford to push myself to do work, especially schoolwork. Assignments are piling up. I get headaches too often. I eat a lot but I'm not tasting any. I don't know. I hate that sentence. I don't know. But I keep using them for no reason. Sometimes I think of the past. No, I constantly think of the past. Can't seem to have enough of anything these days. More this, more that. And I changed my cigarettes this week just to feel something new. And I hate it. I think of why I am here now. And what if I am there now. I get sleepy for no reason. Al I wanted to do is sleep, sleep and sleep. I dream everyday. Every night. Yet reality stays the same. I'm constantly trying to look for a reason to get excited for. But sometimes I get too..tired to move on, to think of something. Maybe, it's something else.

AVAH

2011-09-02T14:22:00.002+08:00

This is the answer

2011-08-27T23:09:00.002+08:00

If I could write my feelings here, I would. If I could jump off a mountain right now, I would. If I could run away with you and get out of this country, I would. Years past and nothing has changed. Everything stayed the same. Always fucking everything up. Nothing good comes, everything is permanent like how I would see it when I was eleven, dumb enough to not let go of faith when it has proven to be nothing great. Five more years and I'll be gone. Perhaps. I am tired, more tired than ever. Tired of curling, of telling, of hoping, of believing. Nothing is left for me to sink in. Even the cold rush of water in the shower doesn't work anymore. Nothing is. I do not know what I need. Nothing is remained.

Alive and kicking and pushing and killing

2011-08-26T01:13:00.003+08:00

Today was a good catch up with my girls. Just like the old times when things were never complicated.

Things to do tomorrow:
Color hair
Assignments
Artworks for the living room
September show's artwork

Dead cat

2011-08-25T02:12:00.005+08:00

Desperation

2011-08-16T00:10:00.001+08:00

I feel like crying, running, dying all at the same time. Last night was painful. Too painful to be true. I will be away again.

Emeki suasta (credited) II

2011-08-09T03:51:00.001+08:00

Though spoken billions of times, l-love-you is extra-lexicographical; it is a figure whose definition cannot transcend the heading. (Barthes)

2011-08-09T03:37:00.003+08:00

We fell in love 3 years ago. Exactly.

Empty promises for the night

2011-08-05T01:09:00.002+08:00

Some personal favorites from my Borneo trip a few weeks ago. 2 days until school starts all over again. 5th day of fasting comes tomorrow. And you, you didn't call.

Back to basics

2011-08-02T23:19:00.003+08:00

Maybe I haven't do a proper introduction. I'm 22, still in school, will graduate when I'm 25 with no constant income to survive. I live with my parents. Often I wish I live alone. Most of the time, I think about death.

Lights

2011-08-02T15:44:00.004+08:00

2011-07-18T16:46:00.001+08:00

XOXO

2011-07-11T03:54:00.002+08:00

I had an inclination to write a pretty long and fervent paragraph until I was deeply immersed with visual junk on the world wide web. I have just proven my shortage of concentration. Before I knew it, I needed sleep. Farewell dreamers.

Recaps

2011-07-06T01:12:00.002+08:00

I am jaded of my dreams. It used to be bite-sized and easy to just put them away and let it rust but not anymore. I dream of a gigantic black metallic swing that is a thousand meters high above the ground. You have to lie down on it and sway yourself from left to right. It felt as if, Dr Parnusses imitated me and he was never my motivator. That has never felt so real until last night. I could write all night if I could but I have never find it entertaining to recap. Maybe next time. Today, I went out alone. Cashed in my money at the bank, bought a book and did some amusing errands. Reminded me so much of my teenage years. Later at night I saw a group of people that I never thought I could relate with before. I felt their success. I don't know why. Perhaps because I had a couple of pinches years back. For a while, I saw a glimpse of the future.

Curious cypher club

2011-07-05T00:37:00.000+08:00

Keep me in mind

2011-06-30T22:07:00.003+08:00

Catch up

2011-06-15T01:08:00.002+08:00

Should not take too long. Jaded as hell but it brought me to the stars. I wish I could talk longer. I've always wished I do. Thing is, I don't know where to start anymore. I wanted to write down everything that happened today. But that would be unstimulating. Where is the kid in me?

I don't like sad movies

2011-06-08T22:05:00.001+08:00

2 more days until camp is over
250-100=150
Sorethroat/fever/flu
Sadness

Young and free

2011-05-26T02:42:00.002+08:00

Golden Sky

2011-05-18T02:48:00.002+08:00

Behold now, a rare moment here, when I instantaneously open up a new page and start writing. I know I promised, but there was way too much noise in between everything. Barcelona in the background seems to calm the whole night away right now. Speaking of records and reports, my life-documentation is seemingly more apparent in my memory bank compared to this 6 and 1/2 year old blog. I am silently a hopeless senior in this whole recollection of thoughts and ideas. What a shame.

I would usually break my plot into fragments but it appeared that this would be chaptered to too many. Perhaps I shall launch into a mountainous thank you to everyone who came to my virgin gallery show launch held not too long ago. Prep was no doubt stressful and a killer and I couldn't thank Eloise, Beau and Suasta enough.

Past few weeks were restocked with catnaps and bite-sized thrills. Rock-bottom, vulgar and sweet. Despite being dismayed having no choice but to be the chief witness of the bank, I still don't comprehend the amount of triumph I put in to open my eyes every time I am standing in front of the ATM machine.

This shall not be my last documentation of my existence, I shall promise again. What is life without written archives? 3:28 partnered by Parallel Highway, hope I can sleep soon. The long awaited "furlough" has come once again. Had never been a fan of one really. All you do is to keep on arranging informal proposal with friends and families to have yourself occupied and constantly on the move. Will be sleeping at Granny's this Friday, and pray to God that Kent Ridge high school kids have mercy on me for the upcoming days. I'll talk about my dreams soon. They are pretty radical and possess film-making conceptions I swear. Back to sleep now, I have to be at the office by 1 in the afternoon. Bummer.

Gone

2011-04-27T02:35:00.000+08:00

Crying myself to sleep tonight.

Summer's gone

2011-04-15T02:51:00.002+08:00

Random awesome

2011-04-10T04:03:00.003+08:00

I promised to write. Promised. And so I lied. Of course, this is unintentional. I don't understand why this whole documentation-of-life circle is not engulfing me enough like how it used to be. Is it me or the amount time life had spare me with. Excuses, excuses.

Watched Bradley Cooper in at the movies a while ago while sipping redbull with less sugar and salted popcorn . Trippy and diverting, just what I needed. 0415am and I just reached home. The 5th time in a row this week. Going off to sleep now, keeping in mind the how much of a monster procrastinator I am. Sit straight and watch me go.

Stuff

2011-03-31T02:45:00.003+08:00

Skip class tomorrow
3pm hair salon appointment at Klearcut's
Buy off-white foams for hybrid sculpture
Buy pilot pens
Resume assignment for Mastering Communications
Meet Lul at 8
Collect library book from Emek

Aki

2011-03-21T08:53:00.004+08:00

Today is the first morning in my life knowing that my grandfather is not in this world anymore. My dearly beloved grandfather left us all only a few hours ago. My ironed baju kurung and hijab laid on my bed while waiting for my mom to get back from the hospital. No words can express my state now, can't stop choking. Give me strength Ya Allah, give me strength.

365 days times 2 warm up

2011-03-02T14:57:00.002+08:00

Mastering Communication Assignment
Self portrait X 4
Installation ideas
Foetus machine
2D

19 March ideas breakdown
Paint easel white
Send camera for service
Un-assemble the desktop
Laundry
Pray
Start on A2 illustration
See Aki at the hospital tonight ;(

365 X 2

2011-02-28T01:26:00.003+08:00

I'll talk about you some other time.

Friday dosage

2011-02-24T23:42:00.001+08:00

X

2011-02-21T21:28:00.001+08:00

Go

2011-02-05T12:45:00.001+08:00

Blackboard learn

2011-02-05T02:18:00.001+08:00

It saddens me being the fact that I haven't got the time to sit down and write like how I normally often used to. This means that I am lessening the amount of memories documentations of my life in words which also means, having less things to see from my past. I don't know what energy pushes me to pen down thoughts regularly in my past years. I've been an anti of people who often rely on aging as a sign of slowing down in activities in life. As of now, I am beginning to nimble them in pieces, (ow).

Went blading at the beach with the rest today. My back still hurts from my fall last week. Ass-ignments are piling up and I swear I am in no disposition of learning (especially the fact that its the fucking same thing again) of any sort. All the newly replaced lecturers and profs are fucked up( i miss the old ones so so much) and secondly, something that I am constantly dreading about which will never be disclosed here. So anyways, my camera is fucked up, my bank is depleting, my back hurts, I have no mood for school (screw you electives) and I feel like dying (literally). I think I'm turning bald (seriously) and fat (beer belly) and there's too much brackets in my sentences. There's always too much of these, too little of that. Nothing is ever satisfying anymore. My level of appeasement is soaring so high, I am so horrified of myself.

Talk soon

2011-01-20T01:45:00.003+08:00

43th storey hotel room
2 more months to the bashing game
French vs Japanese
New wardrobe plans
(A, B, B+, B, B, A+ = 1st Semester's results)
New york plans
2 days left of liberty
Mijonju on

Static

2011-01-17T17:55:00.001+08:00

Be careful tomorrow

2011-01-11T14:26:00.002+08:00

I turned 22 on 11/1/11 at 1:11pm. My resoluteness has begun.

Ultra Violet Winters II

2011-01-10T02:51:00.002+08:00

Commisioned project between Clogtwo and Inkten Sufina.
Video by Clogtwo.

Prologue

2011-01-06T16:57:00.000+08:00

Ultra violet Winters

2011-01-06T03:02:00.003+08:00

Geometric art by Inkten Sufina for Dbl O's Studio Art Space.
Photography by Clogtwo.

10,11

2011-01-04T06:01:00.004+08:00

1. 6 am and I don't feel like sleeping
2. I will cut my hair and I will regret it
3. Need to buy a pack of ciggs
4. I want to do fucking everything in the world

Physical impossibility of 3 blocks

2010-12-30T02:17:00.003+08:00

Here's the thing. I am the second-class, you are the first. I am the evil, villainous black-hearted lady friend and you are lucifer. Mother was right, in this case, she is. Dear Lord, close my eyes and give me dawn. Break my core and show me honesty. Nothing is real anymore, nothing. It's a cruel world out there, everyone is pretending. No one says the truth anymore. So the decade is ending, what difference does it make? I still hallucinate and see mortals murdering each other in my dreams at night. If I die in my trance tonight, remind me of the black sun. The starless, coal-black warmth. I am qualified for execution if I were in Zion now.

3:43

2010-12-21T03:36:00.003+08:00

I hate December. I hate christmas, I hate the holidays. There is no gist, no magnitude that can be measured during this period of time. Even if there is, it's just plain bullshit. Nothing is this world is genuine, nothing. You create your own imaginary sphere of trance for the sake of anticipation. Because that is all that we ever fucking need. Nothing makes you move like a rabbit but that bit of stimulations in different fragments. You grab it, almost too tightly in your fist and before you knew you were, it bursts like a mini explosion. That's when you knew, you lost it. You cannot open up anymore, don't know what is real, what is not. You cannot write, draw, think. For a moment you thought you were right, but who, in all existence, gives a fuck? No one. I dreamt myself on the stars, biting off all my fingernails. There was no pain, just pleasure. I am inhuman now, I have always been one. Being unchained means nothing. I adhere to nothing but bags of skies and capabilities.

Adding machine

2010-12-20T21:02:00.000+08:00

I'm heartless. Nothing excites me anymore.

But my chin fell off

2010-12-02T03:04:00.003+08:00

The feeling of water running down your neck, smoking 6 sticks of cigarettes in 15 minutes. Seeing circles all over space and looking over the car's window searching for light. Things I don't comprehend, I want to digest better. Writing classes make me puke. I can write whatever I want however I want. I don't need proper sentence construction damn it. B-, B+, C, D, E, F. Who gives a fuck.

Dear Ben

2010-11-28T05:03:00.003+08:00

Emeki Suasta (credited)

2010-11-21T01:32:00.003+08:00

Eighteen without your daughter

2010-11-19T20:38:00.003+08:00

I've been working on quite a number of projects for the past few weeks and sleep is like a golden ticket these days. Doing a production with the rest this weekend again. My head has been spinning and I've been eating a lot of chicken and cheese pancakes.

(This is the space where the disconnection begins. I hate it when I write random things in 1 paragraph)

Last night was nothing but tears in the new house. We couldn't help. Don't know why I am a bit moved by the knot-tie. Maybe because this means no more personal conversations, minimart shopping, boyfriend secrets, sleepovers, project help outs and all the things we used to do. But why am I complaining since all that had discontinued since 5 years ago? There were no proper goodbyes. It'd be nice if it had been one.

Things to do today:

Laundry
Vacuum my room
Mug
Watch online movie
Drink redbull/coffee

I'll talk about not so new things some other time.

Life documentation 1411

2010-11-14T03:07:00.002+08:00

3am, just got home, feeling so sleepy, always fucking sleepy.
So many things to do. Feels like 2006 again.
Chatting with an unknown person right now.
Back to work tomorrow.

Narrator in 500

2010-11-09T22:43:00.001+08:00

If Tom had learned anything..it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That's
all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence.

601

2010-10-30T02:17:00.003+08:00

This feeling, is different. It's so different i can't feel my hands. I've created so many imaginary space that are filled with nothing but rectangles and squares. This used to be closed, used to be easy and engaging. The present is murky, I never get to see things like I did before. This is ridiculous. First minute I thought about you, the next, the other you. I have always wanted to be yours, my stupid fall. Stupid, stupid stupid fall. Again, fuck, again. Insanity, I am.

I am you

2010-10-20T01:57:00.002+08:00

Here's a list of what I've been doing so far

Bought 2 new pair of shoes + 2 cheap bags
Good music + oyster wine = Saturday
Cleaned 50% of my room
Attended weddings
Bought files and more pretty papers
Bought Vit Cs and lozenges

Here's a list for the next few days

Photo shooting with emek
Visit the museum
Get down on assignments and projeks
Send out CVs
Drink lots of water
Drown myself in books

Above it all, I just want my grandfather to be well and discharged from the hospital real quickly. I love him so much and couldn't bear thinking of him sleeping all alone in the ward. I love you, dear grandfather. Get well soon please :(

Georgia

2010-10-14T23:07:00.003+08:00

Redundant times

2010-10-13T22:25:00.002+08:00

I'm not sure, if I have made the right decision.
Everything is so muddy.
I am sacrificing my post-youth.
Stressed like nobody's fucking business I tell you

03:42

2010-09-25T03:18:00.002+08:00

It's 3 am and I've just got home. My eyes are probably gonna pop out soon but I just need to clean up this space, my space in fact. I am going to sleep right after this and in any way or another, I hope to get these things straight and done by the next morning.

1) Keep my mouth shut more than usual
2) Be independent, be fucking independent
3) Stop comparing
4) Don't give a fuck when people don't treat you seriously
5) Stop being gluey like uhu
6) Start having a heart like a guy, body like a girl
7) Be unresponsive towards hurtful remarks (no matter how fucking painful it is, especially loved ones)
8) Don't think, just do it, whatever fucking thing it is (because it's my fucking life and I can do whatever)
9) Stop being self-obsessed
10) Stop being easily damaged and fragile (mentally) by the cruelty of people

2010-09-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

You know what, fuck it.

Avenue 33

2010-09-03T16:29:00.002+08:00

1. Brainchild elevation
2. Alkeban alkejutas
3. Self portrait
4. The duhks/mighty storm
5. Grownups: clear the crowd

It's you it's fucking you

2010-08-30T02:51:00.002+08:00

I feel so disgusted with myself right now. So sick to the point that I can write a song almost unconsciously. For a moment I felt like nothing has ever changed. In fact, it hasn't. Nowhere near a slight contraction. I was hoping for that simple alteration at least, but I was wrong. Always fucking wrong. I am numb and frozen and so crippled.

Max's ex

2010-08-27T03:58:00.003+08:00

Sleeping disorder, it's not an indisposition, something like insomnia but not quite like it. I collect stress inside my head and try to recycle them. Rubbish, I had just ranted a whole bin of senselessness there you go. Bought sticks for my piercings today, and a whole box of fabricated expandable/s. Gonna go bonkers till I see myself falling down in the crowd and start singing for money. Bank account is being so heartless to me, doesn't wanna grow anymore. Very injurious and unhealthy it has become. I'm starting to feel downcast and guilty and pathetic for myself. I'm not sleeping but I'll eventually will. And go make known of my boldness to everyone. Curse you.

Sleep with me

2010-08-25T04:28:00.003+08:00

Bathing in milk

2010-08-24T01:35:00.002+08:00

These days, I feel lifeless. Don't know why, perhaps the whole shebang that is happening in my room. With the festive season coming up, there is no absolute doubt that the whole house is going to be zany.
I spent plenty of time with my friends these days. I veritably hope that I can still devote my time with all my front-runners even when school starts. This is going to be a titanic trail for me. The start of university life, shuffling work and school, resisting all the shopping traps and magnetism for the next four years. In case I get spiritless and fatigued, please switch me on again by suggesting me those long and sad encounters of a routined calender I used to abhor.
I am suffering from brain-blockage these couple of weeks, very straining and disturbing. I need Darma. He never fail to clear my puzzling path and show me the sun. Sadly I did not manage to get hold of a better columnist other than him.
Stomach is growling now, I see you tomorrow.

Wet pants

2010-08-23T01:50:00.002+08:00

Things I did yesterday

colored my boyfriend's hair black
ate chicken and chips for dinner
cancelled 2 movie bookings
battlefield LAN gaming with the boys after midnight
mcd for late night supper thereafter

Things I did today

woke up at 0900 and went geylang with mom (wow)
bought a dress
dreamt I got shot in my thigh
phone conversations in bed
ate a cup of soft yogurt

Till Infinity and beyond

2010-08-20T04:04:00.002+08:00

Honey and boo-boo (pukes)

2010-08-18T01:06:00.003+08:00

I hate departures. I have this tendency to tear myself in many different pieces so that I don't taste the bitterness of a separation. It stinks, like a fruit that turned bad over a month. The whole believed abstraction of a farewell is too grievous and hard and effortful. Even when the term of the disengagement is often concise, I don't want to take risks. I find it pretty hard to have faith in planned agendas on the chart. I believe in being disorganized, being able to take in all the jolts and confusion at the same go. I prefer (un)expectations rather than expectations. I choose stress over composure. Irregularity is blameless. It gives me this sheer feeling of being alive and functioning.

So tonight, we are in halves again. Distant we are, until chance manages to free. I often see separation being permanent, no matter how swift the disconnection is. It is saddening, because as long as I keep reckoning towards this, I will never get to move. It sucks, this envision of mine. I am stuck in this conception for so long, I just wish to break out of my creation someday. For now, the crave for you is probably starting already. I have become this horrendously ugly clinging flame. I am frail and clouded. I beg to be healed.

Anyway

2010-08-11T13:29:00.000+08:00

For the last couple of days I have been somewhat creating this space inside my head - post recovery. Something I haven’t done before but went past it. After a week of absolute weakness succumbing my whole figure system, I am well now, thank god almighty.

2 days ago marked 2 years of my relationship with Shaiful, the love of my life. We celebrated quite a bit and everything was simply so bloody amazing I can’t afford to make anyone comprehend the details. We caught the vines and smashing pumpkins at singfest (i still can’t fucking believe it) - last weekend, and then crashing over at a very charmingly deluxe la-di-da boutique hotel for the night. It was defectless. So simple yet, matchless.

Now, I am trying to make an affirmation with myself for if you can see my semi-occasionally posts here. I am not sluggish nor lifeless but just suspension. Like a cooling-off period. I am going to be indefinitely homely for the upcoming weeks. More time to draw and sketch, finish off some canvases, give my demoralized bedroom some treats and get my mind in position for Uni at end of the month. There are so many things to settle: like tuition fee loans/getting a new contract phone/needing money to buy a hard drive for my poor macbook/need to start getting back to classes and teach/recover my home printer and scanner

I am clasping a very moth-eaten characterless boring drudging unpretentious force inside of me already.

Note

2010-07-28T01:28:00.000+08:00

As I am writing this, my hands are shivering. Perhaps due to lack of food but tell me, how do you eat with a head that keeps spinning 24 hours a day. You feel like barfing every minute and the toilet is your best friend. I am laying here in my bed, trying hard to type each sentence. My body temperature was 40 celsius 4 days ago and i can still feel the heat in between my ears, my neck, my pelvis. Dear Allah, give me strength. Give me lots of strength. I cannot take it any longer. I cannot eat, I cannot stand up. I swallow big pills every 4-6 hours. I constantly feel the weight of a bowling ball above my eyes. Truthfully, I have no idea how did I even find the strength to write in here. Maybe the only way to keep me sane.

Gone

2010-07-18T13:25:00.001+08:00

A murderer's letter

2010-07-07T13:16:00.000+08:00

Probably the last before I go. Don’t know where, but just somewhere nobody knows. For the past few weeks I had never felt like doing anything at all. This week is the worst. I feel like evaporating and never come back. For a minute I felt like dying. I cannot afford to dream of the finished conversation over and over again. It stings like hell. There is no more room for laughs and ease. Let alone smiles and flying beams. Only fakes and faints all around. I need you the most right now. Because you are the reason to this and nobody shall touch any single minute of responsibility. You disgust me for a quite a bit. I am sorry for that.

Dazed

2010-07-02T13:09:00.000+08:00

Morning class are you ready?

2010-06-27T22:31:00.004+08:00

I'm trying hard not to grieve or sigh but sometimes it really sucks to be involved in a situation where you have to give in just because of inevitable bearings. Like money, and the constant need to keep yourself busy enough not to feel that imperiously pain of missing the love of your life. Regularly thinking of what he might be eating right now, convincingly assuming that he is missing you at that point of time (50% chance that he isn't), waiting for that one golden text message/missed call on the cell, or perhaps bursting into tears silently inside, realizing how super gelatinous you have become in the relationship. It get so awful and ugly and depressing sometimes you wish you are a guy. Just a gentle souvenir for the heart. Mine, to be distinct.

Pictures were from last Saturday. I used to have 4-5 Saturdays in a week but sadly, it has turned back to going one since a couple of weeks ago. I hated this fact. In fact, I loathe it so much I'm lost for words and sentences and paragraphs. Tomorrow is the first week of July on a Monday, and that means i'm back to school to teach. Which also means waking up at 6.30am, boarding a bus and train with the fully-flustered-frantic human beings hustling for seats. Might sound fine, then try teaching 4 classes of 36 rascals with hyper active nucleic acids for 4 hours straight. - with 2 teachers at the back not giving at blinks from you. That does not really matter much actually, I just miss my man so much right now. I don't feel like doing anything but just curl into a ball and hide with the spiders under my bed.

To the love of my life

2010-06-27T03:24:00.002+08:00

I need a breakdown. An interpretation, a glossary for this very disturbing emotion i am undergoing. I try to keep myself occupied so much to cover this wicked mess consumption but nothing helps. This is so similar of how i constantly fail to sit up straight instead of slouching. This is you. All your accountability has sculpted me into this excessively adhering specimen. You are a monster. You bring me up every night to your tree house and tell me addictive stories. You lure me into your delusion, your door to another era of absolute madness. You're like Dr. parnussus, a sage, a psychoanalyst. You never make it stop.

Compulsive simplicity disorder

2010-06-25T03:47:00.004+08:00

I took these pictures in June last year. Around the same month as of now, it kept showering almost everyday and it felt as if the sun was never going to wake up again. Nobody deems moisture and dewiness. I derive most of my pleasures from the rain, like i do with precipitation. I see no connection but that is the point, i think. Today was Dad's 49th birthday. My brother drove us for dinner with the family. It was nice. It's 5am right now, I can't catch 40 winks. I love Roland Barthes so much, I wish he would not have died.

Goodfuckingnite

2010-06-05T02:42:00.004+08:00

1) Need to finish packing up
2) Going over-bridge for a relative's wedding
3) There goes my weekend
4) Fricking famished
5) Bought a long grey tank, a comic t shirt, vanilla body mist and a bottle of perfume
5) Will take a cold shower at 4am
6) Need to charge the camera
7) Can't wait to read Lul's A Lover's Discourse by Roland Barthes

Dream a little dream of me

2010-06-03T01:30:00.003+08:00

I'm going overseas this weekend, staying home and make history tomorrow, meeting people on friday, and hopefully to touch skyscrapers with my shiny silver airplane next week.

Imposibbility is you

2010-05-28T02:16:00.002+08:00

So sleepy already but I don't wanna sleep. I miss drafting here so much I couldn't help myself right now. Today was alright isn't it? Looking over gallery sitters by the rusty metal poles, brooding over times 300 days ago in the exact same spot. No wonder people could not stop chanting over their college days. I missed mine already, and a gazillion more with sidekicks. Today we went gallery walking, dinner by the roadside and played basketball in the arcade. I just realized I still have 2 more token coins in my pocket when I reached home. Will paste them in my sketchbook and show the world. June holidays now, so that pretty much means no shrieking-in-class and trying hard not to give my students a D for art. I have always hated to have Ds and Cs in my school report book, and and i can't afford my let them feel that way. Can't quit my night job now since that is the only utopia/anticipation i can get every end of the month. Marl is planning for us to go for a little escape, perhaps to the recently built theme park with the rest of the gang. It saddens me that going for cheap thrills like that are not really cheap anymore. Right now I am possibly 70% excited for school i don't know why. Alot of desk and shelves revamping to do now. Need to stock up on cheap books, markers, paints, brushes, poster papers etc etc. And fuckloads of tee shirts.

Tom and Cherry's colour sutra

2010-05-23T14:46:00.003+08:00

In a rush for words.

God, heal me

2010-05-11T13:43:00.002+08:00

My nose's holes are blocked, I am barely breathing right through it. For the past 22 hours, I have been keeping air in and out of my mouth. How uncomfortable, I must admit. My poor, poor web space. I have been leaving you aside for so long. You do know how much I miss you, how much I need you right? I am here now..i will try to be with you like how we always do. I'll stick with you forever, you know that.

Okay so I was thinking of moving to a better space but I think this is still the best homely space I can get yet. I don't even know who's reading, but that's okay. So a few days ago, I received a letter. Not just any letter, but the one that I have been waiting for so long. So my brother insisted on opening it and then before I knew it, I was an upcoming freshman for Nanyang Technological University in Singapore. I was shocked and happy at the same time, almost speechless. So many would be saying that I'm practically wasting my extra years continuing my studies, but this is what I wanted, so I don't really have a problem with it, you see.

So now, medical checkup is in July, and school starts in August. There's a tea party to attend too this Saturday too. I have like 3++ months more to go. I wish I could quit my day jobs now and concentrate more on my portfolio but money can't possibly be popping out in a chest box would it?

So today I can't believe I am still going to work even though I'm sick, like shit. Oh, here are some pictures a few days ago with my band mate. Trying to be like the rentals, but matt and sarah are so much fucking cooler.

10 things now

2010-04-20T23:14:00.002+08:00

1) Wish I could quit my night job
2) I want all the time and energy in the world to write here constantly.
3) I'm waking up at 5.30am later. It has been like this for the past 3 months.
4) I want to stay home and do nothing but work on my drawings.
5) Shit, I miss Shaiful.
6) I need to exercise.
7) Get a new fucking phone.
8) Kids are not cute anymore.
9) I need to get on a freaking airplane.
10) I spent 300 bucks in 1 week.

Diary of a Workaholic

2010-04-02T23:17:00.003+08:00

Here I am with a bun above my head, typing on the couch in the living room, with the tv switched on for the past 5 hours. My throat doesn't feel good at all, I feel like barfing every 2 minutes. In case you haven't notice, I haven't got the time to write. Very saddening, I know. I have officially landed myself like the others. Getting home just in time for bed, having less than 5 hours to sleep almost every weekday simply because sometimes I don't want to miss on a drive out for supper after work. I've went through quite a series of events for the past months and how I wish I have all the time in the world to document all of them. I just can't afford to most of the time. I've got the weekends to sleep in before all routines start all over again full blast. I feel so drained I don't even know what I want. I need to write down my schedule.

Monday
Work, 1-9pm

Tuesday
8-9.30am, Kheng Cheng School
11.30-12.30pm, St. Joseph Institution (Jr)
Work, 1-9pm

Wednesday
8-9.30am, First Toa Payoh Primary School
10.30am-11.30am, St. Joseph Institution (Jr)
Work, 1-9pm

Thursday
8.30-11am, Zhangde Primary School

Friday
11-1pm, St. Joseph Institution (Jr)

Sunday
Work, 10.30-6.30pm

Right now I am waiting for Mom to get back home and buy me Myojo Tom Yum. The only food I eat when I'm having a fever. I feel so weak right now. I miss doing things I love.

Come with me

2010-03-12T11:43:00.002+08:00

Today: Shopping
Saturday: Breakout at Esplanade with Shai, 7.30pm
Sunday: Work 10.30am - 6.30pm
Monday: Work 1pm - 9pm
Tuesday: Work 1pm - 9pm
Wednesday: Work 1pm - 9pm
Thursday-Friday: Shai's birthday party/getaway
Saturday: Interview 9am

Haze is smelly

2010-03-07T23:48:00.002+08:00

Cannot believe I actually trashed this space aside for so long. A lot of things are going on, well, not really a lot, but just pretty much occupied with shit work everyday. Like giving fake smiles so the rich bastards can pull up on my commission, putting up with very young cuties in the morning weekdays and pretty much counting down hours everyday. Not in the mood to chat anymore don't know why. Seems like my social behaviours are deteriorating. Shai's birthday next week can you believe it? So many things to do/plan/buy.

Will continue this with a list tomorrow. In the mean time, god bless the weather.

God I'm so disgusting

2010-02-15T23:12:00.003+08:00

0.5) Pictures from last week's roadtrip.
1) I miss shai more and more each day, of which, i shouldn't be.
2) I'm juggling 2 jobs now, I don't know how, but I just have to.
3) I want to go to another country, so so so bad.
4) I'll be dragging myself to work tomorrow noon, because by the time I'm done with work, the sun is gone, and my legs would be like jelly in biscuit crumbs, very disgusting.
5) I'm craving for a cup of yogurt, non-frozen ones.
6) I spent the last 48 hours at home, 24hours home-alone.
7) In serious need of new clothes but just can't, spent 150bucks on a pair of shoes again last week.
8) Need to party.
9) Been having surreal nightmares.
10) Will go brush teeth and off to sleep now.

Things to do today

2010-02-05T13:52:00.002+08:00

1) Cut out 35 mask templates from cardboards for Monday
2) Cut out 35 transparency templates for Tuesday
3) E-mail Aunt Ema unsent pictures of her baby and her
4) Send in online application to ADM
5) Scan and print my passport for end-of-year trip
6) Start packing for this weekend's trip
7) Fill up application training form for Shai
8) Wash the bedsheets
9) Drink warm liquids
10) Wish Shai would be back in Singapore before I go off tomorrow morning

With these painful cramps, I do not know if I can do all these with absolute ease.

If only you were here

2010-02-03T10:32:00.002+08:00

I wish I can tell you how i am feeling right now. I wish i can tell you how things are happening right now, but everything just seem so helpless. Sometimes I feel like blaming it to other things but it's just so hard to make everything feel so much better. Because maybe they don't. It's just me, it has always been me. I had always knew that from the start but never wish to admit. Looking at pretty things just seem to be the soil covering up the casket but rain constantly pours and it does not feel the same anymore. I am insane, indefinitely, willingly putting myself to the front of the line and induce myself with pain of 5-8 hours. I don't know what i want, I really don't. I'm a wreck. And I really mean it.

Need new soundtracks

2010-01-19T22:45:00.005+08:00

I have to type this real fast cause the life's percentage of my laptop is barely 9%. It is just too comforting to grab the turbo charger and plug it in the switch across my bed in my room which is not more than 10 meters away. I am in fact, a major idler. So I was watching The Women on TV a while ago and in less than 10 minutes throughout the movie, I suddenly became conscious of the whole shebang in my trials. As you know I might be a little too abstracted and constantly disturbed by this whole idea of being over-preoccupied up against the non-essentials, and being excellently musing and phantasmagoric(if that's even word). I start to learn these daydreaming and visionary-self-absorbed practices ever since I started college. I am clueless of how these even developed and blaming it on growing up is starting to get really complex and intricate to the extent of me repeatedly ending up feeling like shit, almost to worthless and undeniably feverish. Cut short, I am in actual fact so demoralized sometimes it feels like I don't have a soul. It feels like something presses me to the corner of the space leaving me no absolute choice but to end up broken down into a gazillion pieces and never glued back. It seems so scary, I am so confused. The point is, i hallucinate too much. I have too much vision in my galaxy I sometimes wished I have a living imaginary friend whom can constantly knocks my head or tell me over and fucking over again that dreams are nothing but just good thoughts that kick your butts up to see realism in life.

At this point of my sentence, I may have ran away from my intent of this content but that's okay cause the reason to this paragraph is to make my mind do some yoga. Right, maybe next time I'll talk about my decisions in my future and perhaps some other irrelevant shits. My boyfriend is at work now, and here, I am telling myself it is perfectly normal to miss him at this time of the day. Anyway I went to a very abrupt interview today and has landed myself something I have been searching for. Nothing fancy, just super absurd to some of you. I promised myself not to write this down so don't ask why. I have 3 schools in a week, more than 4 classes to take care of starting next week, currently helping out in a theater production company for awhile and a little bit more next week. Perhaps soon I'll see frowns and big huhs on your heads but face it mankind, life is hard. Mine is almost destructive.

Feels like Spain 21

2010-01-16T01:26:00.002+08:00

1) It's positive and official. I, have turned 21. Quite intimidating I must say, being crowned that long straight digit beside the 2. People/ self-governing young adults would have got out of bed every morning at this age, taking the train, heading somewhere they had been planning all the years. They in fact, recognize and fathom, their subsequent time of living. A lot would have possessed a license, a number had joined in holy matrimony, some still seeking tuition while many have at least, been on an aircraft. The point is, I have reached the age where I need to see the torch instead of the sun. I have to oblige myself into an identity that perhaps, people can connect with. I need something, something to be heard. I need to shout, scream, screeched, get myself seen.

2) These pictures were taken last weekend. It was a surprise party I wasn't told of and (yup, i just know how fucking gullible I am) so when I opened the door to the hotel suite, there it was, a big white Goliath almost 2 heads higher than me standing right there in the dark, with a big cake and lighted candles. Everyone was there then, I realized and I could swear I have never had that many people(+ 1 boyfriend) surprising me in a hotel suite before. If any of you are reading this, please do realize how much that meant to me and I really love each and everyone of you. The night was spent with seafood+ ben and jerrys and eccentric japanese hi-5 kid show, china MTV, barfing into the toilet bowl(thank god), and waking up with a ghastly dreaded revolting head cramps. I don't know if that is even suitable for a noun description but never mind. Oh, I love New York is charming film by the way, try watching it. Tomorrow, I'm painting my nails matte black, sweep off the flakes and earth on my fav metallica chucks and very much clasp and clamp neon flies in my minute galaxy. Sounds awful eh.

2 steps sidetrack

2010-01-13T14:51:00.003+08:00

I hope you don't mind me huff out all these grime off my pad while you sit there thinking to yourself what the hell took me so long to refresh my journal. You might perhaps think 10 minutes of the time won't hurt a bit. Face it bibliomaniacs, some point of time you get this brain-blockage syndrome due to constant involvement of mortal activities/desires/bustles you just cannot run and hide away from. Sure, bits of idleness may be deferred but I just hate blaming it on my sluggishness. There is no such stuff as being too passive over reflection, because I constantly muse, no matter where I am. My relatives from Kuala Lumpur came over my place on the last days of December, spending a week here. So here, try framing: overload family gathering dinners, prodigal/excessive orchard-trotting and forever home-hosting.

Goodbye

2010-01-12T02:42:00.003+08:00

Some of you may have been following this little surreptitious online journal of mine since years back, you may have read about my past stories over the years with a different beau of mine. On the 7th this month, a very beloved ex-beau of mine passed away. You may have dwell upon me constantly writing about stories of us, and how I spent my days with him through my archives. Someone whom I used to share my infatuation with, someone whom devoted my heart to, someone whom I never thought, would leave me for good. I'll never forget you, I'll never will. Rest in peace, Ajim. Al-Fatihah.